My husband and I are expecting our first child this year, and our parents will become first-time grandparents. As much as I love my mother-in-law, she can be controlling — even from 500 miles away.
Be careful not to become your mother-in-law. In my experience, so-called controlling people are sometimes shoved into that position. Consider your husband, for instance: He seems to be mostly absent from your strategizing. Is that because you are trying to control the relationship with his mother or because you can’t count on him to step up and speak to her himself? If he hasn’t spoken to her yet, why hasn’t he?
Don’t get me wrong: Your mother-in-law sounds like a challenging figure, and her plans for the coming months seem daunting. Still, it is not your job to shoulder all the emotional labor in your marriage. Too often, that interpersonal work falls to women. So I am going to suggest that your husband communicate your joint decisions about visits with his family.
What’s more, his decades of experience with his mother presumably make him better qualified than you to express your family’s needs to her. If he wants help, I’m here for him! (I bet you are, too.) I expect your whole family is feeling exuberant about the birth of your child — which is all the more reason for you and your husband to share the load of discussing your desires and boundaries with them.
Value Your Friend? Then Value His Skills.
Over 12 years, my husband and I have become friends with his personal trainer. We have entertained him and his partner, a retired makeup artist, frequently. Recently, we asked his partner to do a makeup session for my daughter and a couple of our friends. He did and took some photos. (I served an elaborate lunch.) Unfortunately, one of my friends was unable to attend. So I emailed him to arrange another session for her. He asked if he should provide his services for free again or if he could charge his discounted rate. I told him I didn’t expect anything for free. So he sent me a bill for the second session, which I paid. Was I wrong to expect that it would be free?
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