Here is the text:
For over a decade, my partner and I lived overseas. We have now moved back home to be closer to family. We chose a small city that’s near several relatives. My partner has found work, but there are fewer options here for me. I have an exciting prospect in a larger city that’s two and a half hours away. There is an expectation that I will go into the office once a week. My brother, his wife and their two young children live there. They have a large house. A while ago, we talked about my staying with them once a month if I got the job. They were enthusiastic about it, and I was excited to spend time with them. More recently, though, they said they don’t want me or anyone else as a regular houseguest. I don’t think anything has changed in our relationship. I feel hurt and rejected. What should I do?
When we really want something — like a job or a place to stay — it can be easy to lose perspective. But just because you need a bed does not oblige your brother and sister-in-law to put you up once a month. (It also raises the question of where you plan to stay during the other three weekly visits each month.)
I understand your disappointment, which is probably heightened here by your brother and sister-in-law’s change of heart. But they were entitled to think it over and discuss your request privately. Raising two young children and running a house — along with working at their jobs — sounds like a full plate to me. Adding a regular houseguest to their responsibilities may be too much for them now.
Still, I understand that you feel bad. But don’t waste too much energy on recriminations. You have a housing problem to solve: Turn your focus there. You might ask your prospective employer if anyone in the office has a room to rent once a week. But even commuting for a few hours, one day a week, seems worthwhile for an exciting new job, right?
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[The text continues with multiple stories and questions]
Let’s reframe this story: When you were younger (and poorer), your aunt gave you generous gifts that you really appreciated. Presumably she felt good about giving them to you, and together you created a cycle of good will that lasted for years. Now you are wealthy, and the gifts mean little to you. But that’s no reason to break the cycle.
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You seem to be turning this issue — unnecessarily — into an all-or-nothing proposition: You don’t have to persuade any of your siblings to abandon their holiday traditions to take a trip of your own. You don’t have to make any permanent decisions, either. Book a trip next year and see how it goes. If you like it, book another. You can even invite siblings who share your holiday wanderlust to join you.
Three years is a long time to coordinate mail delivery to former residents. So, I’m confused — is it fear of bad reports to your mutual friends that stops you from saying: “This is silly! Please give the bank your new address and send change of address cards to the people who are using ours”? Use your words! I think that’s reasonable here — and probably preferable to stamping their mail “return to sender.”
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